Better Late than Never Instagram

This semester is my last one of undergrad. All those that have done senior year before me made it look so easy. It was supposed to be the “care-free” year. PHA! I am so busy…It may have something to do with the fact that not one but TWO of my very best friends are engaged!

1.&2. “Will you be my maid of honor?” magnets Amber Grace made for Jessica and me. Oh, speaking of Jessica, she just so happened to get engaged tooooo! Oh, and these two gals decided that they are going to do their weddings merely weeks apart this coming July. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Exciting times!

3.&4. Got to spend a leeeettle bit of time with Mama on Monday because I had a dentist appointment in my hometown. I love this woman beyond words. She took me for my favorite…SUSHI!

5.&6. Honestly though, I don’t crave restaurant sushi as much these days because my boyfriend happens to be an AMAZING sushi chef! Look at that stuff! It is so legit. That adorable little fluff ball that is ever so intrigued by the bottle of beer is Squidbilly. He was a favorite that night when we had some of my girlfriends over for Chad’s said amazing-ness!

7.&8. Fast forward to V-day. Chad was still an amazing boyfriend, he just happened to be an amazing, broken boyfriend. He took an elbow to the head while playing basketball, and we had to get him eight stiches. He was all tough, and I was all proud! He is definitely going to be in some pain, but it was certainly a memorable first Valentine’s Day. I think those “sweet-hearts” were the right medicine, though. Red velvet cheesecake brownies. I am oh so grateful for Pinterest! 

Thanks for letting me link up so late, Jenni!

Dog Days are Over

Dear goodness. Just run.

I have never been the best athlete, but I have always been somewhat active throughout my life. I can’t tell you how much a good dose of “pissed off” will do for a will to work out, though. I think the past few months, I have literally taken all my hurt and anger and just funneled it down my spine and to my feet. I will even confess that at times I have purposely exposed myself to things that anger or hurt me so that I can get a kick-a** work-out out of it. I’m sure that sounds unhealthy, but it is, in fact a pretty good system. If I’m not exposed to the truth, yes, the painful truth, then it is easy to make things up in my head. Don’t we all want to see our situations in life a certain way, and isn’t it common that we play mind games with ourselves to achieve those perceptions? I’m not setting myself up for that. I’m going to accept what my life is, what has happened, and I’m going to run with it (yes, of course, pun intended). I’m going to be in awesome shape and that is something that no one can take from me or ruin for me. It’s all my own. The only one that can let me down is myself.

And that’s not going to happened. The only promises I believe anymore are the ones I make to myself. I got some pretty grand things in store for myself, loves, and they are even more than looking good this summer. Selfish? Nah. Love yourself, too. It’s healthy.

FYI, This is my anthem, lately.

And don’t believe that I am living some cold hearted life, fueled by anger. All that just landed me in happiness. Happiness hit her like a train on a track…hurt like a bullet in the back. There are things that I want that I don’t currently have. There are things in my life that I don’t think are right and that I’m coping with; but I’m smiling, and it’s real. It’s hard to understand. You just have to view it all in light of irony; my little stint of “hard times” is the very thing that is making my “true” happiness possible. I would have gone through my whole life believing that a forced smile was the best I could do for myself. Lame.

P.S. If you’re not pissed, I’m sure there is still plenty of fuel in your life that will help you hit the pavement. Run like a happy fool…to angry chick music. Here is some inspiration, dears.

 

 

 

 

 

All pictures via this pinboard.

Unearthing Original Answers

I instagramed (new verb) this picture a few days ago with the following caption:

Delta dirt roads make sense of my life.

I’m sure others do it too. Drive the back roads and figure out your life? I had plans to get “a lot” done over the break while I was alone in Cleveland. Well, I don’t know where the last two weeks went, but they have gone very quickly! And though my house still needs a very intense cleaning, and the to-do list looks a lot like it did two weeks prior to now, I think I have made some monumental progress in the figuring out what’s next department.

Disclaimer: I’m putting my foot down. I’m going to be a little wenchy about the following topic, because I feel like my polite nod at many people’s advice isn’t communicating what I think about my future. So here it is.

I’m going to take a little time off of school between undergrad and graduate school. I have busted it for 17 years of academia-not just got by with a C average, but killed myself to be the best. I’m a determined person, and if I want to go back to school, I will. I understand the logic behind everyone’s advice to go straight through, but I also find the wisdom in my decision to want to breathe for a second. I thought I wanted to teach for years, and merely two semesters before I graduate I found out that it was not what I wanted at all(and found the courage to admit that, by the way). I made that decision because of the very strange convention that pushes 17 year olds to decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives without ever having any experience in life outside of their high school microcosm of the world they think they live in. I’m not about to do that again. I know that I want to get into the recreation/outdoor/health field, but I’m not going to invest time, energy, and a whole lot of money into something that I find interesting from a storefront window view. I have gone on a few adventurous recreation trips and stepped up my health and fitness levels as of recent, but it just isn’t quite grounds to jump head first into anything. I would love to be able to mesh my English degree with the recreation field…write for Backpacker…Rock and Ice? But what is that going to take?

Well, it’s time to find out.

I know this: our job market is sucky. And competitive. Degrees only mean so much. It’s about what you know (mostly who you know, really) and what you can do with what you know. So, while, yes, I’m in pursuit of finding a degree program that is going to offer the specific credentials I need, I’m also looking for personal connections and relevant experience during the time I take off from school. The way I look at it is I have a nice place to stay with cheap rent in a town where I have a few friends that I like and appreciate. I have a job—yeah, a waitressing job, but nonetheless a job to be thankful for when there a lot of people with superb degrees sitting on their couch and barely paying the bills with their unemployment check.

Grad school (especially outside of Mississippi) is expensive! Every time I think about looking at schools out of state, I’m overcome with fear and doubt. Do I really want to risk all that money in this kind of job economy? I mean, am I really going to see what I do turn over in any kind of way? But while I was driving into the sunset the other day, it hit me. This is it. What I’m about to embark on—just my age and situation— could be the time of my life. I’m not getting married and moving back to the town I have known for my entire life. I have a rare opportunity for a small town southern girl: go somewhere and do something different. So yeah, I’m probably going to get myself into a lot of debt, but is it worth the experience? I’m thinking so. It’s not just about a goal anymore; it’s about being happy right now, in the middle of it all.

Cheers to that, my friends.

Time Mocks Us

Either we try in desperation to clutch our dream at the last by deluding ourselves with some tawdry substitute; or , having waited the best part of our lives, we find the substitute time mocks us with too shabby to accept.

-Eugene O'Neil, From the New York Tribune, February 13, 1921

O’Neil is a playwright from the Modern period. I like him. He said, “The theatre to me is life—the substance and interpretation of life” (From an Interview with Oliver M. Sayler).

It’s kind of interesting that I took a course in Modern drama this semester with everything that has occurred lately. I never really cared for the Modern genre until I found myself suddenly and forcefully transported into the psychological situations of Modern characters. I don’t think I would appreciate O’Neil’s (as well as the other modern playwrights’) work like I have if I didn’t experience what I have this semester. I definitely would not have understood this testimony of his: “I’m always, always trying to interpret Life in terms of lives, never just lives in terms of character. I’m always acutely conscious of the Force behind—Fate, God, our biological past creating our present, whatever one calls it—Mystery certainly—and of the one eternal tragedy of Man in his glorious, self-destructive struggle to make the Force express him instead of being, as animal is , an infinitesimal incident in its expression” (From A Letter to Arthur Hobson Quinn).

It amazes me that I can identify with all that la-te-da up there. I have been wondering a lot lately if this happens to everyone at some point in their lives. Everything just starts to make really scary sense. Something clicks one day…or everything you had goes down the drain, whatever…but nonetheless something does click, and your entire reality becomes absolutely surreal. I  have had chronic nausea trying to get my head around what life is lately. The conclusion: you don’t end up saving yourself, you just understand yourself.

I Think I’m Thinking

There is just no turning back now.

Have you ever got an idea in your head that eats you alive until you fulfill it? I’m getting to that point.

I can accept that the person I have been for the past month has been a product of the grandiose changes in my life, but I’m not going to let anyone tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing or understand what I’m thinking because of those changes-because of this “hard time” I’m going through. Irrationality is common after break-ups, I know; and I can admit that I have made some irrational choices lately, but I don’t think every bit of my thoughts and actions are entirely irrational.

In fact, I think that I am thinking for the first time in my life. I know that probably makes no sense; maybe none of this post makes sense, but I just have to admit this: I was living life so conventionally. I read the Bible and sang hymns in a Southern Baptist church; I graduated high school with honors; I went to a four year university in my home state; I dated my high school sweetheart for all my young adult years

…. and I expected to have a ring on my finger within the next year, a job that is relevant to what I busted my rear studying for the past four years, and eventually a family and house of my own.

And all that is changed. I know, I know; you can still have that, Amber. You’re going to find someone who deserves you and gives you all that and more. Here’s the thing, I don’t know how much I want that anymore. I have a friend that refers to this as the “cookie-cutter lifestyle”. I guess because it’s been done before and can be done again no matter how many batches of dough are thrown on the table; of course, the domestic implications probably have something to do with the reference too. I’m not saying that I don’t want a husband, or a job, or a family and house one day! I’m just realizing how much of that “American dream” I was seeping into with all my life assumptions. I don’t have to have that right now. Heck, maybe I don’t even have to have that. Maybe. I’m also not criticizing anyone who wants this pattern of life; there is absolutely nothing wrong with it if it’s what makes you happy. But I don’t know if that’s what is going to make me happy. In fact, I think the thing that will make me happy is finding out what will make me happy.

I completely enjoyed my time over Thanksgiving break with my family-I love those people with every piece of my heart, but every time I go home (and I mean to my hometown, more than just my house) I get an annoying, itching nerve to get out. For awhile, I thought, it’s just hard right now being around all the memories made around here  (I’m mostly referring to the ones I made with Jon), and it will get easier as time goes on. And though it is true that it will probably get easier to be in those places and see those faces, I don’t think the urge to get out of Mississippi is going anywhere.

Would it be terrible to explore some wilderness? To travel? To work a few different jobs? To meet a whole lot of people, and people that don’t exactly think and feel like I do?

Earth and Sky

Earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea, are excellent schoolmasters, and teach some of us more than we can ever learn from books.

-John Lubbock

One word. Walden.

Lately, I have not been able to shake the desire to get out there in the well, “out there”. How do I talk about this without sounding like a hippie? Maybe, I can’t. So, I will risk sounding like a peace and love kind of gal (without the whole being stoned thing, of course), to say I want to drink in all the Mother Nature I can! When I’m “out there” I just look around and think about God. I think this is for us. We’re in our cities with our made-to-order commodities all the time and we think that is natural. But I breathe in unpolluted mountain air and I know that I’m where I belong. Oh, I know I sound whimsical and that if I had to rough it more than a few weeks, I would probably miss my bed and running water. But you see, that’s the problem: I know that would happen.

 

I’m not going to pretend that the circumstances in my life have left me with nothing but independence to pursue. Well, that’s not entirely true; I could also pursue a death grip on anything and anyone that ever so crossed my path. And that would be so easy to do in my vulnerable state, but no I refuse. You only get so many opportunities in life to become the person you truly want to be before you’re so buried in conveniences and comforts. I want to be able to take care of myself no. matter. what. If you haven’t noticed, I’m talking on a few different levels now, but nevertheless I truly believe that spending time out in nature, depending on the raw elements for survival allows one to do the same individualistically-depend on their own raw elements.

I just wonder: What am I made of?

That may be a struggle to truly discover. Maybe even a fight. And when it comes to that, it’s best to…

{All photos via this pinboard}

Delight. Commit. Trust.

Yesterday’s post was kind of ugly, huh? Well, life has been pretty ugly the past few days. And I’m exhausted, because being a tough girl through all this is quite frankly a challenge. Who am I kidding, guys…my life just changed. A lot.  Can I tell  you how much I don’t want to be writing about getting through these life alterations right now. I want to be writing about how things are all figured out…how the next step in life is “insert something awesome and exciting here”.

But the truth is I’m a late bloomer, and I’m currently learning a lesson I should have learned years ago. Why years ago? Because that was the first time I heard God tell me he had more for me than what I was caught up in. As I hinted at yesterday, I found out some painful things I was unaware of about the situation I was in, and as much as it hurts like nothing has ever before, it is so, so good. When a child touches a stove and gets burnt, they tend to not do it again. I feel like it’s one of those things.

My head is most definitely spinning from the thunderstorm that rolled through, but the clouds are definitely parting. For the first time, things are becoming very clear. And that’s exciting because I know that the first thing I need in making a decision for the “what now?” is a clear head.

Well known verse coming at you:

Holy wow, I didn’t expect to apply this way overly used verse turned cliche to my own life, but now I see why it’s so over used. God reveals things to you when you don’t get them on your own…and usually that unveiling hurts like the dickens. But I’m glad I know the truth about the situation I was in, because as soon as the initial shock of the pain was over, I felt free. I know that sounds all whimsical, but really, I knew I could walk away from that situation without looking back because of the pain I had just endured. And that pain, in its essence, was truth.

I wrote this in my prayer journal a few weeks ago: What can I do to help your healing?

I picked up my Bible and automatically received an answer: Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Psalm 37: 5-6

This is key. This is what I have to go back to every single day. And my confession is that I have had days where I haven’t—yesterday for instance when I decided to let anger drive every breath I took. And yes, I’m still mad, and rightfully so (you would agree if you knew why, trust me), but not to the point that I can’t function, just to the point that I have reason and fuel to move on.

Delight. Commit. Trust.

At Loss for Words

I can’t tell you how frustrated I am. I want to write. I want to post. I want to share. But if I avoid all my real feelings that I don’t particularly feel comfortable plastering on the internet, then all I am left with is fake feelings to write with. Can I just thank you-you that are reading this right now. Your patience with this author is meaningful and more than appreciated. The whole cliché, “Time heals all things” overflows to this blog…In time, it will be running normally again.

Some words of wisdom from Pinterest:

 

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Don’t Drink Coffee

…Drink water! ::GASP:: Can you believe that such a repulsive statement would be made here on this coffee addict’s blog? Well, do not fret too much; by no means am I seriously recommending anyone give up the college student, hard worker, or average joe’s  best friend in a cup (ha ha, get it? joe!).

But really, Reader-Friends, have you ever been really thirsty and then drank something that just didn’t do the job—it didn’t quench, it didn’t satisfy? My body, personally can come with some mad cravings, especially for coffee, and when I spend the ridiculous amount of money on a little latte I am oh, so delighted; BUT my delight surely wanes. And I surely will want coffee again. I will want all kinds of things again and again. And I will look to satisfy my needs and cravings for food, or sleep, or attention, or love, or excitement, or happiness, on and on. Cue the music! I can’t get no…SATISIFACTION!

Take a quick look at these very crucial verses of scripture; they may help explain my promo for water:

³⁷ On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. ³⁸ Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”^{[a] 39} By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified. John 7:37-39

But the time that Jesus would be glorified has now past, and those who are followers of this Jesus have been given the said promised Spirit, the Spirit of this living water.

This means two things to me:

1. There is nothing in this world, nor no one who will bring the satisfaction that the deepest depths of my soul desires. That thirst can only be quenched by the living water of the Spirit I house under the roof of my faith. My flesh tries to blot out the fact that I have access to this water, but the truth of its existence will prevail.

2. I have to stop waiting for God to write his will for my life in the sky. He has already planted a wellspring of his guidance and will inside of me—“rivers of living water will flow from within [me].” It’s called good God sense.

I pray you know what refreshment this water offers. Would you like a glass?

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If you have any questions about the content of this post you can email me at yourfriendamber@yahoo.com

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Like I said, I was only kidding about going anti-coffee, and I would love for you to enter my current giveaway for a Starbucks gift card. Winner will be announced next Monday; Enter HERE!

Just Around the Corner Love

Here we are at Wednesday, Reader-Friends!

 

Linking up with Jamie for WILW? I am!

 

I’m loving that God is taking good care of his girl! There has been blessings all around lately.

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Here is one of those blessings: Now that I won’t be student teaching next semester, I will be at in my house for a semester that I didn’t financially plan for. However, despite that it is usually nearly impossible to find a roommate mid-school year, God has already taken care of that issue! I have already found a roommate. And she is a doll! We have personalities that are quite similar. It was all to easy. I was simply conversing with a friend about the situation who had heard about a mutual friend of ours looking for a place and wam-bam and a phone call later I’m all fixed up! I am super, super sad to not be living with my bestie (who is going to student teach a few hours away) anymore, yet excited about a new situation in life.

 

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Speaking of new situations in life, I’m nervous out of my mind loving my ever-so adventurous plans for the weekend. Remember all the talk about the rock climbing business? Well, this is the weekend my name becomes Amber Wilderness Wright.

 

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Come to find out, it’s not just a rock climbing trip; it’s a learn how to survive “out there” trip. No showers, no phones, no bathrooms-just a shovel, in fact. Grossed out yet? I don’t know one single soul that is going on this little trip three or so hours down the road to Arkansas….and I am about to  sleep, eat, and stink with these people for three days! Can you feel my anxiety?

 

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I truly am loving the adventure aspect of all this uncertainty, though. I’ll make some new friends, take on some mad feats, and have something to blog about later!

 

***By the way***

I have to bring and prepare my own food in order to prove that I can take care of myself on this venture into the unknown. If there are any camping experts out there. I’m taking suggestions for easy, energy-packed meal ideas.

 

I’m loving that Brea, the amazingly gifted woman that designed this beautiful blog layout you see here on this page, is doing a giveaway for one lucky blogger to get a COMPLETE blog makeover. You definitely should check this out! GO. NOW! (hey, but don’t forget to come back here!)

 

Finally, I’m loving that tomorrow night is going to mark the beginning of good times for this gal. Mississippi State football kicks off at 7pm and I have planned a little get-together at Jon’s house. Fall. Football. Fashion. Food. Fun. It’s all around the corner and I can hear the cowbells now!

I have babbled enough! Have a lovely Wednesday, Reader-Friends!

Bravery and Salmon

Well, hello, Reader-Friends!

This moment is feeling a little surreal to me. It’s Friday and I have no class, no work, and not a ten mile to-do list. I don’t know how I got away with a schedule like this! I do have quite a bit of reading for class though, so a trip to the coffee shop may be in order today! I guess I made it sound like I’m not busy at all, but I, in fact, still have plenty to do; it’s just a much healthier balance of insanity!

 

In my drama class, the other night one of the grad students who is an English teacher in a local public school told me that she thought I was brave for changing directions. Brave? I don’t think I had heard anyone say that through all this changing. I’ve heard that I should do what makes me happy and that I was right for not putting myself in a classroom if I knew I wasn’t going to be passionate about it, but all that sounds logical and reasoned out. You are brave, makes it sound like I’m taking heroic action. Maybe this is getting a bit too dramatic (I was in drama class at the time), but that adjective: brave gave a new meaning to what I was doing with my life. It’s like I’m saving myself from unhappiness, a lack of passion in life. While brave makes me think that I’m doing something risky and that’s scary, it also gives me a little drive too. My friend said it so sincerely and it was a compliment that conceptualized my attitude. I have had a lot of doubt through all this. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing or going, but from now on I can step out in brave faith, trusting God and believing in myself.

 

Ok, corny life speech over.

 

And now…look what I made for some friends last night for dinner!

 

Caprice Salad

And Baked Maple Salmon. My inspiration came from a post Jenni put up last week. It was so simple, and there were certainly moans of delight at the dinner table. Try it tonight!

The Rains will Come in their Season

Thursday already, Reader-Friends!? Wow.

There are just a few days before my amazing semester starts. Woop, woop for senior year of college!

My heart is already celebrating.

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So, I want to invite you to my recent light bulb moment. Seriously, I mean seriously, ever since I became honest and open about where I needed God to work in my life, he has! You can backtrack here.

 

I have been in the Bible book of Leviticus the past two days, and God has given me so much insight to how he is working in my life! I know, right; straight from the ancient Old Testament! Anyway, the twenty sixth chapter of Leviticus touches on blessings for obedience and discipline for disobedience.

 

First, let’s chat about the blessings. God refers to the land a lot because it was the people’s resource for livelihood, I like to think that the land kind of symbolizes my life in general-home, relationships, career, etc. He told the Israelites, if you walk in your life as I have asked you to, then you will be provided for; your crops will yield fruit.  “The rains will come in their season,” he stated. To me, that was God saying that if I trust and obey him, then the things that are supposed to happen will happen exactly when they are supposed to happen: in their season. For some reason that doesn’t seem as difficult to understand today as it did two weeks ago. Oh, how he can melt a hardened heart.

 

And now for the discipline. This is where I had my “ah ha” moment. God said that he would take away the “pride of my power” and that if I did not obey him, I would “toil in vain.” This makes so much sense! My most habitual disobedience to God is in the department of control. I want to control my life, because I want to feel safe and secure. I want to know where I’m going and make sure I have enough to survive. And here is the big one: I want assurance and approval and security from the people in my life so badly that I make myself sick trying to get it. But it’s not from God, and therefore I “toil” after it “in vain.”

 

Since God is kind of a master weaver, he threw in another loom for my benefit. Yesterday, on the way home from my college town I was listening to that lovely and feisty lady Beth Moore. I picked up her library CD from Lifeway that has snippets from her various Bible Studies. I listen to two amazing tracks but wanted to force myself to stop so that I could safe the rest for other drives. I ended up saying “oh, just one more.” Of course, that one more happened to be mind-blowing and exactly what I needed to hear! She started talking about all the different reasons people seem to fail at giving us our emotional desires. The one that hit home with me was the fact that maybe getting my emotional desires fed is such a “savior complex” to me that that is why God is not allowing it to happen. How do you wean a baby from the bottle? You stopped giving it to him! “Ah ha!”

 

BM said many more enlightening things that I wish you all could hear. The CD is only two bucks at Lifeway right now. If you click that link it will take you straight to the order page. 

 

I have been overwhelmed with clarity these past few days. I have been fighting God so hard on his discipline that I couldn’t even see what he was doing for me. I was in such an unhealthy situation, and he has been healing me all along. Ladies and even gentlemen, get your provision from God. The triumph that comes when someone doesn’t give you what you wanted and you walk okay, because you know a place where you will always get it, is so sweet.

 

The rains will come in their season.

The Hard Way

Let’s face it, Reader-Friends…

I do everything the hard way! Seriously, I have a curse. I guess I’m one of those “lesson learned” kind of people. You know what I’m talking about; you take the wrong turn, say the wrong thing, make the wrong decision, and as a result figure out what would have been or maybe is right. I must re-emphasize: this is the story of my life!

If you are a Facebook, Twitter, or real-life friend, then you have probably noted  some emotional, rant-y, maybe even a tad bit dramatic posts. Well, wouldn’t you post such if you decided to change your career goals and life path your senior year of college!? I’m sure sure there are plenty of you that are rolling your eyes and thinking: Have you met the American college student? It happens all the time. Right? Many of you probably changed your major a billion times too. And I take comfort in that, really. But I just can’t help but be scared out of mind too!

I have had a goal in sight for at least  five years now. My junior year of high school I fell in love with everything English and decided that I  was going to teach it. My teacher that year was so enthusiastic about the subject. She made it so interesting, and entertaining, and fun-even for those kids that could care less about being at school. I wanted to be “just like her.”

But guess what? I was a different person in high school. Very different. And I was a different person my freshman year of college. And so on and so on. Ya’ll, I have done a lot of self-discovery during my young adult years but never as much as I did this summer. While I was absolutely miserable with my head in text books (this being the joy of summer school), I was alone--as in with myself, all. the. time. As a result, I was in some low places, but in some good places too. It was in those low places that I figured out a lot about myself. Well, maybe I didn’t figure myself out; I just began to accept myself. I did this on many levels, but the one pertaining to this post is my personality, my character—who God made me. I wanted so badly (especially as a Christian) to be the kind of person to love and invest in young people.  I wanted so badly to share my crazy passion for literature and writing. I wanted so badly to find joy in devoting all my time and energy to growing the minds of teenagers. But I haven’t had any joy during my study of education. none at all. In fact, apathy has been breeding in my heart with every education class I take. I know that probably sounds so harsh, especially to all my teacher and future teacher friends, but I have finally come to terms with these feelings. God has confirmed that I shouldn’t feel guilty and that I should accept that he has other plans for me.

I think that when I chose English education as my field of study, I was very ignorant of what I could do with English outside of the classroom. Since being in college, I have discovered other options. Here is the option I have chosen: I’m going finish my degree in English (without the teacher certification) and then it’s off to Graduate school in order to give rise to other career opportunities. There are some financial consequences to my decision, which is why this is considered the hard way, that and the fact that I chose to make a major change my senior year. I have decided, however, that I don’t know too many people that are debt free in this world, but I do know a lot of happy people and I am determined to be one of them. So, if doing what I love and being who I am supposed to be means paying off more loans, then I am thinking it is worth it.

So there you have it; new beginnings at the end. I’m sure there will be more posts about these changes to come.

By the way, I have been up since 3 a.m. because of my nerves! I’m meeting with the chair of the English department to discuss changing my entire schedule for the semester. Class starts Monday. What the heck am I doing?

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

This is not this blog’s brightest post. I have had a few hard, dark days. I am pretty positive that I am not alone. I know that others have had these days, these feelings before; The feelings that result in the phrase: “I don’t want to talk about it.” And truly, I’m not feeling up to talking about why I have had a few hard days, but I know that I cannot hide under a rock. That never makes anything better, to fester in our own pity, so here I am. I’m not hiding. I want to crawl under my bed covers and sleep until I wake up from my bad dream, but I’m resisting the temptation the best I can.

Do you ever get sad and then avoid happiness at all costs? I mean, you don’t want to be around happy people, you don’t feel like watching everyone else’s life fall into place seemingly carefree and easily. Selfish, I know. But do you understand these human emotions?

I thought about not getting on blogger today, because I knew I would see someone smiling while I wasn’t. God told me to buck up and live anyway. So, here I am, going on about my business today. If you’re smiling, by all means, keep smiling. I’m usually not so negative, but I share all these droopy statements in order to request a heart lift. If you are a praying woman/man, I would really appreciate a brief mentioning to our Lord. He is guiding and directing me through these sad feelings, and I know I will be out of the frowny forest soon.

Just slowly rolling over this speed bump in life.

As a literature major, I have the luxury of turning to well-known lines that have guided others through such times in life.

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Below is a favorite poem of mine by Paul Laurence Dunbar called “Sympathy”:

I know what the caged bird feels, alas!
When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;
When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,
And the river flows like a stream of glass;
When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,
And the faint perfume from its chalice steals--
I know what the caged bird feels!

I know why the caged bird beats his wing
Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;
For he must fly back to his perch and cling
When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;
And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars
And they pulse again with a keener sting--
I know why he beats his wing!

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,--
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings--
I know why the caged bird sings!

 

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I don’t mean to be depressing and I hope this post hasn’t dampened anyone’s spirit too much, but I needed a little therapy. The Lord is a good doctor, and I shall feel better soon. Expect more positive posts in the near future.

Thanks to my faithful readers.