Irrationally Happy

I can’t help but feel like the older I get, the more irrational I get. That is a little backwards, right? But is “irrational” the word I’m looking for? I mean on the surface, it would seem right to label it irrational, but something deep inside of me says it’s not irrational, it’s pure. God, listen to me! “Something deep inside of me!?” That’s just embarrassing…to sound so hopelessly romantic!

I get extremely stressed out about money, and the future, and all the novelty of my life of late, and then I spend money on the things I want, and I make huge, ambitious plans, and I jump in head first into the sea of new things in my life…because I decide that I deserve happiness…that I only have one life to live…that I probably will die in debt, so why not live with what I want?

 

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Unearthing Original Answers

I instagramed (new verb) this picture a few days ago with the following caption:

Delta dirt roads make sense of my life.

I’m sure others do it too. Drive the back roads and figure out your life? I had plans to get “a lot” done over the break while I was alone in Cleveland. Well, I don’t know where the last two weeks went, but they have gone very quickly! And though my house still needs a very intense cleaning, and the to-do list looks a lot like it did two weeks prior to now, I think I have made some monumental progress in the figuring out what’s next department.

Disclaimer: I’m putting my foot down. I’m going to be a little wenchy about the following topic, because I feel like my polite nod at many people’s advice isn’t communicating what I think about my future. So here it is.

I’m going to take a little time off of school between undergrad and graduate school. I have busted it for 17 years of academia-not just got by with a C average, but killed myself to be the best. I’m a determined person, and if I want to go back to school, I will. I understand the logic behind everyone’s advice to go straight through, but I also find the wisdom in my decision to want to breathe for a second. I thought I wanted to teach for years, and merely two semesters before I graduate I found out that it was not what I wanted at all(and found the courage to admit that, by the way). I made that decision because of the very strange convention that pushes 17 year olds to decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives without ever having any experience in life outside of their high school microcosm of the world they think they live in. I’m not about to do that again. I know that I want to get into the recreation/outdoor/health field, but I’m not going to invest time, energy, and a whole lot of money into something that I find interesting from a storefront window view. I have gone on a few adventurous recreation trips and stepped up my health and fitness levels as of recent, but it just isn’t quite grounds to jump head first into anything. I would love to be able to mesh my English degree with the recreation field…write for Backpacker…Rock and Ice? But what is that going to take?

Well, it’s time to find out.

I know this: our job market is sucky. And competitive. Degrees only mean so much. It’s about what you know (mostly who you know, really) and what you can do with what you know. So, while, yes, I’m in pursuit of finding a degree program that is going to offer the specific credentials I need, I’m also looking for personal connections and relevant experience during the time I take off from school. The way I look at it is I have a nice place to stay with cheap rent in a town where I have a few friends that I like and appreciate. I have a job—yeah, a waitressing job, but nonetheless a job to be thankful for when there a lot of people with superb degrees sitting on their couch and barely paying the bills with their unemployment check.

Grad school (especially outside of Mississippi) is expensive! Every time I think about looking at schools out of state, I’m overcome with fear and doubt. Do I really want to risk all that money in this kind of job economy? I mean, am I really going to see what I do turn over in any kind of way? But while I was driving into the sunset the other day, it hit me. This is it. What I’m about to embark on—just my age and situation— could be the time of my life. I’m not getting married and moving back to the town I have known for my entire life. I have a rare opportunity for a small town southern girl: go somewhere and do something different. So yeah, I’m probably going to get myself into a lot of debt, but is it worth the experience? I’m thinking so. It’s not just about a goal anymore; it’s about being happy right now, in the middle of it all.

Cheers to that, my friends.

Earth and Sky

Earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea, are excellent schoolmasters, and teach some of us more than we can ever learn from books.

-John Lubbock

One word. Walden.

Lately, I have not been able to shake the desire to get out there in the well, “out there”. How do I talk about this without sounding like a hippie? Maybe, I can’t. So, I will risk sounding like a peace and love kind of gal (without the whole being stoned thing, of course), to say I want to drink in all the Mother Nature I can! When I’m “out there” I just look around and think about God. I think this is for us. We’re in our cities with our made-to-order commodities all the time and we think that is natural. But I breathe in unpolluted mountain air and I know that I’m where I belong. Oh, I know I sound whimsical and that if I had to rough it more than a few weeks, I would probably miss my bed and running water. But you see, that’s the problem: I know that would happen.

 

I’m not going to pretend that the circumstances in my life have left me with nothing but independence to pursue. Well, that’s not entirely true; I could also pursue a death grip on anything and anyone that ever so crossed my path. And that would be so easy to do in my vulnerable state, but no I refuse. You only get so many opportunities in life to become the person you truly want to be before you’re so buried in conveniences and comforts. I want to be able to take care of myself no. matter. what. If you haven’t noticed, I’m talking on a few different levels now, but nevertheless I truly believe that spending time out in nature, depending on the raw elements for survival allows one to do the same individualistically-depend on their own raw elements.

I just wonder: What am I made of?

That may be a struggle to truly discover. Maybe even a fight. And when it comes to that, it’s best to…

{All photos via this pinboard}

MIA Explained

I don’t want to flatter myself and assume that my readers have been wondering where I have been, but in case any of you have been wondering, I hope this post satisfies your curiosity.

I have prayed about writing this post.

I have already hit backspace about a million times, trying to come up with a good way to lead into this. I give up. So, here it is: my boyfriend of five and half years and I ended our relationship recently, and I have been dealing with that. I thought it would be best to stay away from blogger while I dealt with the initial changes in my life; emotions are not to be trusted in the drivers seat. I refuse to throw a pity party for myself on my site, nor will I throw a bashing party for him.

I promise you that I’m doing well. I promise you that I have my ugly moments. I promise you that I’m hurt. And I promise you that I truly believe that God has a better, and more beautiful plan for my life now than when I was trying so desperately to control it myself.

I really don’t want Blue-Eyed Blog to turn into "The Break-Up Chronicles", but of course, in order to keep this the honest blog that I strive for it to be, I will share all the hard things I learn along the way with you while writing about all the wonderful things that are still present in my life. If you are still around these days, thank you so much for hanging in there while I have been exceedingly MIA. As always, your readership makes me smile. And smiles are valued more than ever during this time of heartache.

I want to share one more thing with you, Reader-Friends. Watch the video below; this is why I’m truly okay in the midst of this time.

The Hard Way

Let’s face it, Reader-Friends…

I do everything the hard way! Seriously, I have a curse. I guess I’m one of those “lesson learned” kind of people. You know what I’m talking about; you take the wrong turn, say the wrong thing, make the wrong decision, and as a result figure out what would have been or maybe is right. I must re-emphasize: this is the story of my life!

If you are a Facebook, Twitter, or real-life friend, then you have probably noted  some emotional, rant-y, maybe even a tad bit dramatic posts. Well, wouldn’t you post such if you decided to change your career goals and life path your senior year of college!? I’m sure sure there are plenty of you that are rolling your eyes and thinking: Have you met the American college student? It happens all the time. Right? Many of you probably changed your major a billion times too. And I take comfort in that, really. But I just can’t help but be scared out of mind too!

I have had a goal in sight for at least  five years now. My junior year of high school I fell in love with everything English and decided that I  was going to teach it. My teacher that year was so enthusiastic about the subject. She made it so interesting, and entertaining, and fun-even for those kids that could care less about being at school. I wanted to be “just like her.”

But guess what? I was a different person in high school. Very different. And I was a different person my freshman year of college. And so on and so on. Ya’ll, I have done a lot of self-discovery during my young adult years but never as much as I did this summer. While I was absolutely miserable with my head in text books (this being the joy of summer school), I was alone--as in with myself, all. the. time. As a result, I was in some low places, but in some good places too. It was in those low places that I figured out a lot about myself. Well, maybe I didn’t figure myself out; I just began to accept myself. I did this on many levels, but the one pertaining to this post is my personality, my character—who God made me. I wanted so badly (especially as a Christian) to be the kind of person to love and invest in young people.  I wanted so badly to share my crazy passion for literature and writing. I wanted so badly to find joy in devoting all my time and energy to growing the minds of teenagers. But I haven’t had any joy during my study of education. none at all. In fact, apathy has been breeding in my heart with every education class I take. I know that probably sounds so harsh, especially to all my teacher and future teacher friends, but I have finally come to terms with these feelings. God has confirmed that I shouldn’t feel guilty and that I should accept that he has other plans for me.

I think that when I chose English education as my field of study, I was very ignorant of what I could do with English outside of the classroom. Since being in college, I have discovered other options. Here is the option I have chosen: I’m going finish my degree in English (without the teacher certification) and then it’s off to Graduate school in order to give rise to other career opportunities. There are some financial consequences to my decision, which is why this is considered the hard way, that and the fact that I chose to make a major change my senior year. I have decided, however, that I don’t know too many people that are debt free in this world, but I do know a lot of happy people and I am determined to be one of them. So, if doing what I love and being who I am supposed to be means paying off more loans, then I am thinking it is worth it.

So there you have it; new beginnings at the end. I’m sure there will be more posts about these changes to come.

By the way, I have been up since 3 a.m. because of my nerves! I’m meeting with the chair of the English department to discuss changing my entire schedule for the semester. Class starts Monday. What the heck am I doing?

Victory Dinner

Hey Reader-Friends

Do any of you enjoy hosting dinner parties? How many of you are enthusiasts about making the table display look really special for your guests? Maybe some of you are not into the real hustle and bustle of getting together a fancy fix, but do adore the settings galore on Pinterest!

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This morning, I read a devotional from Girlfriends in God that got me thinking about the spiritual implications of setting a table.

The Hebrews use to have their victory feasts before they even went to war. They knew that they would be victorious even before the first cry of battle, because they possessed the mark of God. They were confident that their faith would see them through the toils up ahead. Likewise, we can prepare a table of victory when we face battles in our lives.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.

Psalm 23:5 (NKJV)

Mary Southerland, the author of the devotional I mentioned shares this story:

My friend, Michelle, is the consummate hostess. She makes entertaining look so easy. To her, a dinner party for 50 guests is a simple feat. Just shoot me now! One of her favorite preparations is the dinner table. When I’m expecting company, the first guests to arrive often have the honor of setting the table with whatever they can find in the way of tablecloths, silverware, glasses, and…you get the idea. Not Michelle. I’ve seen her table completely and beautifully arranged days before the anticipated dinner party or holiday meal. When I asked her why she went to such elaborate lengths her answer made me stop and think: “It is part of the celebration for me. I love having the table set early because every time I walk past it, I think of the people who will sit in those chairs and pray for them. I think of their favorite dishes and look forward to preparing each one. I guess you could say that I enjoy the party long before it begins.” That is the idea behind praise.

We can praise God for what He will do long before He does it. We can prepare a victory table before the battle begins, knowing that the battle belongs to our God. And don’t you know that a pre-battle victory party irritates the fire out of the enemy? I love that!

And I love that attitude! I think that what are attitude looks like and how we handle life’s battles are sure measurements of our faith. From now on, I am going to focus on dressing my {pre} victory table with praise. I like to think that it would probably would look something like these:

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And my favorite:

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What would your victory table look like?

Honesty: Round Two

Hey Reader-Friends,

I decided to be pretty up front with my previous post. Up for some more

…?

I suck at getting along with my man. I suck at having patience with my family members. Sometimes I avoid my friends.

I know I just made myself sound like a tall glass of sunshine. #notreally

There is nothing wrong with my man; there is nothing wrong with my family; nor my friends. Without these people in my life, I would lose it! Companionship is a wonderful, precious gift from God. Here is why I finally came to the point that I could openly admit to the above confessions: I have dug up the roots of these feelings and the way to fix the issues.

You see, relationship equals security for so many people, especially woman. You know the girl that doesn’t know how to exist without a boyfriend? I’ve been her before. But for me, I took that form of insecurity to a whole different level. Not only do I want all these aforementioned relationships to exist in my life, but I want them to exist the way I want them. For example, I want Jon to romance me with all the dates and presents I have selfishly dreamed up in my head, which are usually based off of the coveted relationships all around me. Now, I know that Jon is 3,390% man, not quite the Romeo, but he loves me simply and surely. I have been with the boy for over five years and I chose to love him despite our different versions of romance, so what gives me the right to be frustrated with him when he doesn’t fulfill all my hopes and desires? The same goes for my relationships with my friends and family…

God instructed us in Isaiah 2:22, to “Stop trusting in man”!

While companionship, especially between lovers is meant for support and enjoyment, it is not source from which people are to draw all their worth, their sole happiness, or dependency.

This is one of my ultimately favorite verses:

God is not a man that he should lie,nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and fulfill?

Numbers 23: 19

Hello? That means I have someone that will never disappoint me? Well, hot-dog!

Seriously, friends, I’m working on cutting all the people in my life a break. They are not perfect on purpose. And for the record, Jon gives me his best and that’s what counts when I put my sinful selfishness aside. I’m a truly blessed lady. I have loving boyfriend, caring family, and very special friends!

Above all, I have a God that I can depend on, that will keep me safe no matter what, shower me gifts and blessing, and provide me with just what I need in my life.

Authentic

Well Happy Monday, Reader-Friends!

{Yeah, I did just use “happy” and “Monday” in the same phrase; in very close proximity even! Sorry, Negative Nancys!}

If I can say that with two upcoming tests back to back tomorrow, then you can too!

My sweet friend, Nicole is doing a challenge in order to find 1,000 things to be thankful for and it’s got me in a positive frame of mind. Thanks, Nicole! Check her page out. You just might want to get involved!

 

I just want to say: church was good yesterday. I learned a lot in life group and service. God’s convicting hand was upon my heart and I have taken a few brave steps of spirituality  personally today because of it. There are a multitude of things God has brought to my attention that I would love to share, but this is just one little post and honestly, I’m not quite ready to share yet. I will make this confession, though: I have not spent any kind of quality time with my savior this summer. The quantity of our times together has even lacked tremendously.

I’m not going to lie, that was hard to put out there. Some of you may be rolling your eyes. But some of you may completely get this: we don’t want people, especially other Christians, to know that our relationship with God is suffering. And though some of you have written this post off as boring and left, some of you are still here, and I appreciate your presence, because you are my witnesses. Blogging has become more than a fun hobby. It’s a tool of accountability. I don’t know if this is how it is for all bloggers, but I know for me, I feel like I have a responsibility to live up to the person I present on this page. In my mind, the world can see me on here, and though I may, and probably will never meet 99% of the people that somehow end up on my page at some point, I feel it a moral responsibility to be honest and authentic.

So, sincerely, here’s to honesty. Here’s to humanity. Here’s to the grace of God’s open arms when we decide to turn back around and face him.

“Return to me,” declares the Lord Almighty, “and I will return to you!”

-Zechariah 1:3

Peaceful Pieces

Hey Reader-Friends!

Do you like putting together puzzles? During the winter, when I ‘m wrapped in a Snuggy by the fire and have hot coco in hand, (wishing it was Christmas now, huh? me too!) I tend to think it’s a good idea. The only problem is: I completely and utterly suck at puzzles!

I don’t have the patience for them, they make my vision blur, and if you do get it put together, you just have to put it away in a jumbled mess again.

Puzzles, however, do happen to serve as a great life metaphor.

I always have these kind of thoughts when I go for runs and walks…

Life is SO like one giant jigsaw puzzle. You start with the most obvious pieces-the corners. They pretty much seem like they are just given to you; it seems like there are some circumstances in life that are like that too. For me, it was my wonderful parents and general situation in life. I know everyone’s corners look different…Some puzzles (see where you can insert “life” here?) are rough around the edges.Yet, don’t give up because a corner is chipped or missing because there can still be a beautiful picture in the middle.

I know one thing that helps with puzzle piecing, especially when you are frustrated with the picture not looking perfect or can’t get the pieces to fit just right (maybe the problem is you can’t find that one piece): it’s walking away for some fresh air. You need to get out of that hunched over position. You have to wipe off that scowl and stop pouring over getting the puzzle complete before you live another instant.

Here’s the thing: one day you will be going about your business and you might pass the puzzle…and with one glance…THERE it is! the missing puzzle piece is right in front of you or two pieces that wouldn’t mesh before slide together like easy-peasy!

**You all know I’m not really talking about puzzles, right?**

And every puzzle has a picture! Here’s a little bit of what mine looks like:

Here’s the really outstanding part about all this! I’m coming to terms with not understanding some things in life, because I’m trusting that all will be made known in the end. Ah, faith. Such a complex thing.

I’ve tried so hard to put together my puzzle…I’m learning to take my time.

In addition, I’ve tried so hard to be a put together puzzle before God, but oh my, have I failed. Frustration to no end. I have thrown myself against the wall, shattering into the  million pieces I started out with. And as I pondered this whole life thing on my run the other day, a song I didn’t even realize I had came on my iPod began to play. The lyrics are my anthem right now:

I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your hand,
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!
I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole

-Red

Patiently and Peacefully in Pieces,

Amber Marie

Painted Red

**My Internet is down, Reader-Friends :( I'm posting this from the boyfriend's parent's house, but when it decides to work again, I will be catching up with all of your wonderful posts! Here's one I have been trying to post for days.**

I was sitting outside when my attention was drawn to the trees in my yard. My family moved into this house when I was on the late side of four years old.  There are a few particular trees that we planted ourselves and a few that were just babies when we got here. Sixteen years later, they are huge, and full, and just gorgeously vibrant with summer green. It’s happened more than once, but I just gaze at these wonders and ask myself: when did that happen?

I start looking at my house too. We live in a very pretty wooded little neighborhood. Everyone has their own little piece of land; there is community, yet privacy. Mama reflects on coming out to Hernando to view the house for sale. As she and daddy drove past cute home after cute home, the anticipation built inside her heart…and then collapsed. The guy selling the house was going through a divorce and totally let the house go. The yard was terribly groomed and there was an awful yellow color on the house that matched the barn in the back yard. Don’t get me started on the cancer infecting the interior of the house. Anyway, Mama’s magic hands have touched almost every inch of this little estate over the years-piece by piece, because we are very middle class people. The yard got some curb appeal, the barn is a bright red and the house is brick with a crisp white accent, and every room has had an update. Well, almost every room. The laundry room still has that hideous seventy’s tile that used to cascade into the kitchen and violently clash with the green and yellow plaid walls (which have been rescued by warm coat of red paint).  I’m kind of glad it’s still in that little room that no one pays much attention to, though. It’s a subtle reminder of how far this house has come. How ugly became beauty, falling apart house became warm and cozy home. When did that happen?

I just can’t come to terms with my age. I know everyone over twenty one is laughing because that sounds like such a mid-life-crisis statement, but I don’t mean it like that. I just mean when did I become a big girl? When did I start getting bills and thinking about where I’m going to get a job outside of serving food?

And I have been devoutly following Christ for nine years. And I have blossomed and matured in that department…and all of a sudden, when did that happen? Lately, I have been spending a lot of time in the laundry room. I mean that figuratively, of course. I have been noticing corners of, well, me that have some décor of the old me. Are you following this extravagant metaphor? It is okay if you’re not…most of you probably quit reading this nonsensical post paragraphs ago.

Anyway…

Seeing parts of the old me, hanging out in those rooms has made me think about where I came from…who spruced me up-made me beautiful-invested in me. Is there a point to all this jibberish? Not really. Just want to say I’m thankful for a Savior, for who he has made me, and for those who were apart of this whole growing process. AND I want to say that even though I have come such a long way, been painted with crimson just like those kitchen walls, I feel like I just took my first breath. I’m lost, completely uncertain of some things, and don’t want to be whimsical. I’m such a mess, people! A big messy pile of sin, oh and I do believe in God, and I do try to follow Jesus. But I just got to be honest, this estate, though you may think some rooms are pretty appealing, are still works in progress.

Well, that doesn’t look any more organized in print than it did in my head.

Blogging my Battles and Blessings,

Amber Marie

An Itch to Thrift

Hey Reader-Friends!

I had a GREAT little bonding time with my big sis yesterday. We went to one of my favorite places...drum roll please...the thrift store! I'm getting a little addicted, honestly. I mean who wouldn't when you can put adorable outfits together for next nothing. I'm not that high maintenance, ladies. If there isn't holes in someone else's New York & Company blazer (which looks like it MIGHT have been worn just once) then I'm giving the cute cloth a loving home! Now, I am light years away from being rich, (hello! trying to pay for college here!) but I like to say that the money I save shopping at the Goodwill and the Salvation Army makes me "thrifty rich"!

I had planned on doing some studying last night, (see a trend? -for crying out loud it's the summer! Can't I just play?) anyway, I got distracted and started playing dress up with my thrift store purchases (two pairs of jeans and four tops for a mere 25 bucks) and a few new things I got this weekend when my mom and I went out and about.

{We went without the windows in the Jeep :) Good feeling; Awful hair!}

I think I see a new series for the blog in the future. I am going to work on putting some outfits together and sweet talking Jon into being my photographer, so I can share my steals with all my bloggy-buddies! I'm insanely far from being any kind of thrift store shopping pro, but as I learn I will be sure to share some tips too. Sound good, gals? Okay, so watch for these "Thrifty Rich" posts soon!

Speaking of the thrift store...This girl was there:

Well, not actually "this" girl. But you know her. The one that dragged brought her boyfriend along on the shopping trip. He pushed the cart, he held the unwanted hangers of clothes, he gave his not exactly what she wanted to hear opinion on every single outfit she came out of the dressing room in. Ladies, I'm not hating on you if you do this to your man, (maybe he willingly comes along-mine is just unruly, I guess) but the one thing that made my skin hot, as I had no choice but to listen to their exchange of words as I was in the next dressing stall over was her desperate desire of his approval of what she was wearing.

Look, I haven't been very successful thus far in the confidence department, but there is one kind of thinking I am starting to get a hold of, and that is just doing something, being something, liking something just because it's who you are! I'm not going to get all preachy with the just be yourself campaign, but I have been 150% happier and more confident walking out of the house in something I decided was right for me, that reflected my personality. Ahem****That's what your men should love about what you're wearing, whether it's his favorite color or not****

Another key in life and finding yourself is accepting that everyone is different. If someone turns up their nose at your clothes, a haircut, or piercing, don't take it personal; they just somehow got it in their head that the world revolves around them and therefore cater to their tastes.

Whenever my sweet bestie and roommate comes into my room in the mornings to ask my opinion on her outfit, she should by now well-know my response: "Well, do you like it?"

So, my question for you today is the same: Do you like what you're wearing or is it someone else's taste?

{okay, so I did get a little preachy.}

Blogging my Battles and Blessings,

Amber Marie

I Confess...I'm Blogging instead of Studying :o

Hey Reader-Friends!

Found a cute link-up called "I Confess". Join me, yes? Hop over to this fun blog!



I confess...
that I am really bummed the sun is hiding today. I wanted to get some rays in the yard this afternoon and no, I am not oblivious to the risks.



I confess...
that I am the biggest scaredy cat alive! I hate scary movies; I don't do haunted houses; Keep all of your ghost stories and alien encounters to yourself!



On a serious note (even though I am completely serious about being scared easily),
I confess...
that I do care about what other people think of me too much. I'm working on just being me from now on. (Thanks, Mama)



Ending on a lighthearted note,
I confess...
that I am beyond excited that some of my Yankee family (from Milwaukee) is coming down to Mississippi for a visit this weekend!



Pretty accurate :)



My mama and Aunt Debbie at Christmas a few years ago.

I confess...
that you should link up too!

Blogging my Battles and Blessings,
Amber Marie