"Thanks. I'm Sorry."

Hello Reader-Friends,
(The following post is dedicated to my wonderful, understanding mother, Dawn and our wonderful savior, Christ Jesus)

I have been full of thoughts for days and quite frankly I'm tired of thinking! So, I am gearing this Thursday towards thankfulness. It's going to take a few minutes to get there but here we go...

I have been in a TERRIBLE mood these past couple of days! I mean one so bad that ugly vibes were permeating out of my pores. In other words, I know I was treating loved ones horribly because of it. Ask the poor man that had to endure the havoc.

I DON'T WANT TO RANT AND RAVE ON THIS BLOG...but I do want to be honest.
I have been wanting to go back to East Asia since I came back last year. The problem is last year I felt a very strong "call" from God...and some of you may have experienced that before but this year I did not and so I was afraid that my desire to go was based on wrongful motivations.

Well, when my best friend, Jessica announced to me that she was going, I felt an intense pang of jealousy. I wanted to be happy for her but I was so overcome by bitterness I just couldn't get there.

Then, out of the blue, the love of my life also announced that he was on board for East Asia in May.
God, are you serious? First, you pick my best friend for MY trip and now, your sending my boyfriend who you know I have been waiting to serve with for years, with her!?
Yeah, it's like I'm flesh and blood or something.
I wish I could say that that is the ugliest I got during this episode. Well, hate to admit it but this is only "wishful thinking Thursday" this week.

Left and right friends were announcing their decision to go on the trip. A good friend would have smiled and celebrated with them. I A jealous, bitter, fleshly friend,  rolled my eyes and looked downcast.

So here's the thing: when I got so down in the dumps that I was sitting on my rear, believing it was going to be impossible to get out of this rut, (and we just talked about stubbornness in Sunday School) God says, "Hey child, I'm not telling you no. You didn't hear a resounding yes but you also didn't hear a resounding anything else."

Here is the conclusion I have drawn...thanks be to my understanding, supportive mama and my gentle yet still stern God:
Last year and every single year of my life prior to last year my interest in Asia didn't go beyond liking the buffet you can find in almost any strip mall. God sparked a supernatural urge and desire to go. I don't like crowds, or cities. Nothing enthused me about the culture. Of course, that changed after the trip there and now I have a burning passion for those people and that culture. It took a real pull from heaven to make up my mind last year. The thing is I don't need that this year. I already know I want to be there, I already know there is work to be done. My knee-jerk reaction to the opportunity is YES! So this is what I learned about the term a "calling"
God uses them A. when one is being stubborn and resisting or B. when one would have never even given the idea a thought. They are real and true but only used when needed/ It is scriptural to just go or give or love when ever the opportunity arises and you have a willing spirit. amen? YES!

I'm going to do some more praying over the weekend for confirmation. I appreciate yours as well!

A special Thank you to Mama:
I love you. Thank you for letting me talk things out into your ear. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for understanding me when most others do not. Thank you for loving me even when I confess my ugly human flesh out loud to you. Thank you for your prayers. My spirit improved very much moments after getting off the phone with you and I know it's because when you say you're going to pray for me, you mean it! You are a beautiful woman in Christ and your growth in the past year has directly inspired my walk. God bless, this woman.

A public apology to Jonathan, Jessica, and any others I may have been ugly to:
You did not deserve the wrath of my jealousy and bitterness. Please forgive me for allowing my flesh to control me.

Until next time
Blogging my Battles and Blessings,
Amber Marie

Thoughts for Thursday

Hey Reader-Friends

I have a few Thoughts for Thursday

I am trying my hardest, actually procrastinating my hardest, to think of what to write about for my Creative Nonfiction Workshop. I need to have something to show  next week and I am terribly stuck! I think I am mostly intimidated by the greatness of my classmate's work. God keeps telling me that I have got something special inside of me too, though. I am thinking about listening to him.

I think I may write about going to China last May...
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So, last night I went to a lecture by Noam Chompsky...if you are in the field of Education, Speech, or Politics, I'm sure you recognize his name. I actually enjoyed the lecture, at least what I understood since I am extremely politically ignorant. I think I am going to some how try to defeat the apathy I have for politics. It's just so dang depressing. I realize, though, as a future Educator I definitely need to be informed. There is much to be changed in the operations of our country and no one can do anything about it, unless we know something about it.

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Honesty time!!! I have been in a funk the past few days...I don't like it at all! I suppose it's just the toll of the demands of school combined with ultra sore muscles from beginning a hard-core exercise program, which meets at 6am, by the way. Am I insane?

What a blessing it is to have a Mama who loves me and loves Christ. I felt helpless to pray for myself this morning so I called her and asked for her intercession. I am beyond grateful for what God has done in her life so she can most importantly enjoy Christ, and glorify his name, but also so we can experience things like I have mentioned here.

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So now I would like to know what YOU think! I wrote the following poem last semester while I was experiencing a season of spiritual drought. I felt like I was just on autopilot in the midst of all the chaos. Since I am battling the same type of infectious air the past few days I thought I would bring these words out. I hope that if anyone reading this is experiencing an off day, that you can claim these words as your own.

A Broken Bower and the Orchard Keeper

My soil is dry and I am dying of thirst

I feel my limbs are too brittle to withstand the next

Frivolous draft

My fruit has rotted and lies beneath,

Shadeless, for not am I adorned with the Leaves of Life of which can protect them from spoil

I bow my entire structure in

A pitiful plea

For I know the the Orchard Keeper will drench a broken bower

In love

His compassionate Thunder commands the heavens to gush drops of renewal for my sake

I stand taller,

Cringing as the Keeper carves away

My rot

He saved my life, he renewed my fortitude,

Any produce I bear, I bear for the wellness of my Keeper, my Preserver

Dear Lord,

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
   and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Psalm 51:12

Thoughtful Thursday

Hello highly valued readers!

My classes this semester are already challenging my mind. They demand that I work out my head and showcase its progress. Discomfort. Let me be honest (and ironic), I feel completely inadequate compared to my peers in my field of study (English) and I am developing a paralyzing fear of exposing what is inside of my head.

Do you remember that class I mentioned yesterday that I thought was going to really help me out in my career path? Well, it may become a matter of encouragement versus discouragement. This is the first course I have taken since I entered college three years ago geared towards creative writing (I have been very busy with analytical work). My classmates are mostly creative writing majors, journalists, graduate students, or English majors that at least have had a creative writing workshop before; I feel like I am on a complete sub level of thinking and creating in comparison with their skill. Nevertheless, I want this. I need this. So, the plan is to preserve and fight the pangs of low self esteem and envy. I really want to establish a style, a skill, a self.

So, What do you think about posting some piece of thought on Thursdays?
Maybe I will post some exercises from a class or just a thought I'm trying to articulate...
I can't promise this stuff will make sense but most the time artsy English stuff doesn't to most people, at least at first glance.



Here is an exercise from my Creative Non-fiction textbook I did (It is based off of Why I Write by Terry Tempest Williams) The question to answer was "Why do you write?":
I write to make sense of myself. I write to communicate with God, with others, with myself. I write because I am expected to do so. I write because I can't. I write because I can. I write to encourage. I write to question. I write to challenge. I write for therapy. I write for exercise. I write to improve. I write because I envy the talents of others. I write to be thankful. I write to contemplate. I write to purge. I write to savor. I write to memorize. I write to organize. I write to understand. I write to feel the rush of vulnerability. I write to find what is lost, hidden, or stolen. I write for hope. I write for faith.

I am also taking class called "Grammar for Teachers" and tonight we discussed how the use of a diamante (a poem in the shape of diamond and consisting of seven lines) can help teach students parts of speech because lines two and six are two adjectives describing the beginning and ending nouns (which are opposites); lines three and five, three participles; and line four a shift of four words or a phrase.

We tried it out and this is what I came up with:

                                   Man
                         rough and strong
                lusting, directing, harvesting
             He compliments his counterpart
                    thinking, caring, feeling
                         soft and delicate
                                Woman

We have an assignment to compose another one based off Dr. King's Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech...so if it comes out okay, I will post it next Thursday.

Well, assuming you got to this point, thanks for reading. I am battling severe uncertainty, so if you did make it to this line of the post, feedback would be much appreciated!

Blogging my Battles and Blessings,
Amber Marie