Irrationally Happy

I can’t help but feel like the older I get, the more irrational I get. That is a little backwards, right? But is “irrational” the word I’m looking for? I mean on the surface, it would seem right to label it irrational, but something deep inside of me says it’s not irrational, it’s pure. God, listen to me! “Something deep inside of me!?” That’s just embarrassing…to sound so hopelessly romantic!

I get extremely stressed out about money, and the future, and all the novelty of my life of late, and then I spend money on the things I want, and I make huge, ambitious plans, and I jump in head first into the sea of new things in my life…because I decide that I deserve happiness…that I only have one life to live…that I probably will die in debt, so why not live with what I want?

 

via

Dog Days are Over

Dear goodness. Just run.

I have never been the best athlete, but I have always been somewhat active throughout my life. I can’t tell you how much a good dose of “pissed off” will do for a will to work out, though. I think the past few months, I have literally taken all my hurt and anger and just funneled it down my spine and to my feet. I will even confess that at times I have purposely exposed myself to things that anger or hurt me so that I can get a kick-a** work-out out of it. I’m sure that sounds unhealthy, but it is, in fact a pretty good system. If I’m not exposed to the truth, yes, the painful truth, then it is easy to make things up in my head. Don’t we all want to see our situations in life a certain way, and isn’t it common that we play mind games with ourselves to achieve those perceptions? I’m not setting myself up for that. I’m going to accept what my life is, what has happened, and I’m going to run with it (yes, of course, pun intended). I’m going to be in awesome shape and that is something that no one can take from me or ruin for me. It’s all my own. The only one that can let me down is myself.

And that’s not going to happened. The only promises I believe anymore are the ones I make to myself. I got some pretty grand things in store for myself, loves, and they are even more than looking good this summer. Selfish? Nah. Love yourself, too. It’s healthy.

FYI, This is my anthem, lately.

And don’t believe that I am living some cold hearted life, fueled by anger. All that just landed me in happiness. Happiness hit her like a train on a track…hurt like a bullet in the back. There are things that I want that I don’t currently have. There are things in my life that I don’t think are right and that I’m coping with; but I’m smiling, and it’s real. It’s hard to understand. You just have to view it all in light of irony; my little stint of “hard times” is the very thing that is making my “true” happiness possible. I would have gone through my whole life believing that a forced smile was the best I could do for myself. Lame.

P.S. If you’re not pissed, I’m sure there is still plenty of fuel in your life that will help you hit the pavement. Run like a happy fool…to angry chick music. Here is some inspiration, dears.

 

 

 

 

 

All pictures via this pinboard.

Delight. Commit. Trust.

Yesterday’s post was kind of ugly, huh? Well, life has been pretty ugly the past few days. And I’m exhausted, because being a tough girl through all this is quite frankly a challenge. Who am I kidding, guys…my life just changed. A lot.  Can I tell  you how much I don’t want to be writing about getting through these life alterations right now. I want to be writing about how things are all figured out…how the next step in life is “insert something awesome and exciting here”.

But the truth is I’m a late bloomer, and I’m currently learning a lesson I should have learned years ago. Why years ago? Because that was the first time I heard God tell me he had more for me than what I was caught up in. As I hinted at yesterday, I found out some painful things I was unaware of about the situation I was in, and as much as it hurts like nothing has ever before, it is so, so good. When a child touches a stove and gets burnt, they tend to not do it again. I feel like it’s one of those things.

My head is most definitely spinning from the thunderstorm that rolled through, but the clouds are definitely parting. For the first time, things are becoming very clear. And that’s exciting because I know that the first thing I need in making a decision for the “what now?” is a clear head.

Well known verse coming at you:

Holy wow, I didn’t expect to apply this way overly used verse turned cliche to my own life, but now I see why it’s so over used. God reveals things to you when you don’t get them on your own…and usually that unveiling hurts like the dickens. But I’m glad I know the truth about the situation I was in, because as soon as the initial shock of the pain was over, I felt free. I know that sounds all whimsical, but really, I knew I could walk away from that situation without looking back because of the pain I had just endured. And that pain, in its essence, was truth.

I wrote this in my prayer journal a few weeks ago: What can I do to help your healing?

I picked up my Bible and automatically received an answer: Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Psalm 37: 5-6

This is key. This is what I have to go back to every single day. And my confession is that I have had days where I haven’t—yesterday for instance when I decided to let anger drive every breath I took. And yes, I’m still mad, and rightfully so (you would agree if you knew why, trust me), but not to the point that I can’t function, just to the point that I have reason and fuel to move on.

Delight. Commit. Trust.

Stupid You

Like I said, I really want to steer away from my posts being deemed “The Break-up Chronicles”, however can we really pretend that I’m not dealing with a break-up? Well, I tried. And the verdict is: A big resounding NO…so, let’s think about the things I write as “The Things I’m Learning Chronicles”. Not as catchy, huh? Oh, well.

 

So, I may share a thing or two with you randomly as I fight for my ever loving sanity journey through the hard days.

 

Today, I want to share this: Beware of the “stupid you” when under copious amounts of emotional stress. I can’t tell you how many times I have said, “Who are you?” to myself over the past few weeks. The things I think, the things I do, the things I say are just down right foreign to me some moments. They are not all bad. I’m finding out that I desire certain things and believe things that I didn’t realize before, but along with the good there comes bad; And I’m realizing how rotten I am. There have been so many times I have had a “screw it all” attitude and just wanted to plunge head first into an ocean of sin, because it’s easier to do that than to fight. And though, I haven’t plunged, I have dangled my toes…okay, maybe even waded knee deep in the “I have been done wrong and I deserve to do this pool”. No, this is not where I beat myself up. We are all sinners…It’s just amazing how much Satan still kicks you as hard as he can, even when you’re already on the ground.

All I know is that I ‘m so thankful for my friends, because they have wrapped their arms around me, even when I have not been very welcoming; I’m also completely floored by the fact that I have parents who are so loving and forgiving. My mother has been the most understanding soul through all my crazy, un-like me behavior. Most gals would probably be afraid to show their face at the homestead after being the ugly person I have been the past few weeks, but I’m so unbelievably blessed with a home that delivers the love and forgiveness that our Savior extends to us.

Truth:

via

I don’t condone purposely going out to make mistakes, but the following is something that I am having to accept because what is done is done:

via

And just let me throw this out there: Another option is you can also be young and smart by listening to the wisdom of those who have been somewhere, you just really don’t ever want to be.

Still doing okay, Reader-Friends; Love to you all.

At Loss for Words

I can’t tell you how frustrated I am. I want to write. I want to post. I want to share. But if I avoid all my real feelings that I don’t particularly feel comfortable plastering on the internet, then all I am left with is fake feelings to write with. Can I just thank you-you that are reading this right now. Your patience with this author is meaningful and more than appreciated. The whole cliché, “Time heals all things” overflows to this blog…In time, it will be running normally again.

Some words of wisdom from Pinterest:

 

via

via

MIA Explained

I don’t want to flatter myself and assume that my readers have been wondering where I have been, but in case any of you have been wondering, I hope this post satisfies your curiosity.

I have prayed about writing this post.

I have already hit backspace about a million times, trying to come up with a good way to lead into this. I give up. So, here it is: my boyfriend of five and half years and I ended our relationship recently, and I have been dealing with that. I thought it would be best to stay away from blogger while I dealt with the initial changes in my life; emotions are not to be trusted in the drivers seat. I refuse to throw a pity party for myself on my site, nor will I throw a bashing party for him.

I promise you that I’m doing well. I promise you that I have my ugly moments. I promise you that I’m hurt. And I promise you that I truly believe that God has a better, and more beautiful plan for my life now than when I was trying so desperately to control it myself.

I really don’t want Blue-Eyed Blog to turn into "The Break-Up Chronicles", but of course, in order to keep this the honest blog that I strive for it to be, I will share all the hard things I learn along the way with you while writing about all the wonderful things that are still present in my life. If you are still around these days, thank you so much for hanging in there while I have been exceedingly MIA. As always, your readership makes me smile. And smiles are valued more than ever during this time of heartache.

I want to share one more thing with you, Reader-Friends. Watch the video below; this is why I’m truly okay in the midst of this time.

Don’t Judge Me

Do you have any guilty pleasures, Reader-Friend? The ever so sound and authoritative Wikipedia says that a guilty pleasure is “something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it. The "guilt" involved is sometimes simply fear of others discovering one's lowbrow or otherwise embarrassing tastes.”

You all know that I try to be honest as possible on this blog. I marvel at people who don’t apologize for who they are, who do their best but don’t hide their worst. Jon is one of those people and I give him the hardest time about his flaws, but he probably doesn’t really know how much  I actually envy him.  I can’t tell you how hard real people are to come by, especially where I live in the Bible belt. We’re pretty judgmental around here. I am not glorifying bad behavior, but am advocating for the acceptance of humanity, so that grace may be abundantly poured out on our loved and not so loved ones. Okay shifting from all the heavy talk…

Here are a few of my guilty pleasures:

NOM NOM NOM! I think I have pretty good control over my consumption with this one, but sometimes I end up tangled in a chocolate binge. Diet fail.

Shopping! Um…I thirft. I shouldn’t feel that guilty, right?

 

I’m getting to the point that I get an iced chai latte every day. I need to break this habit before it breaks my bank.

 

I know he is vulgar. (that’s what makes him a guilty pleasure, I guess). I think of Eminem like the the raunchy authors I have to study for my major. I read “Cat on Hot Tin Roof” last week. Do you know how many times Tennessee dropped the F-bomb? Dude is unbelievably passionate and honest (to the point that it’s scary). I don’t listen to a whole lot of rap for the record and there are only a few songs by this artist I allow myself to listen to. I wonder if decades after Marshall Mathers is gone, students will be studying that seemingly crazed man’s work like we do Poe’s.

Well, if you still love me, comment with a guilty pleasure confession. Go ahead get it off your chest-no judgment here.

I Need a Hug

Top of the Monday, to ya, Reader-Friends.

I noticed something while in church yesterday: little girls hang. What do I mean by that? They have a tendency to desperately wrap their limbs around the waists, legs, or arms of their parents. One little girl in front of me had her innocent stare locked on her mother’s singing face for a few minutes, barely blinking before she enthusiastically threw her arms around her mother’s side. As I shifted my eyes from them to the words on the projector screen, I couldn’t help but notice another little blond head resting on her father’s hip.

Why am I sharing these observations with you? Because don’t you see it, ladies (and yes, gentlemen too, please notice this)? Females are obviously created with a need. You can even realize it in little girls—a need for attention and for affection. I realize these needs are on different levels of intensity for everyone, but can’t we all admit we do need? These needs are some of the most frustrating aspects in my life. Why? Because satisfaction is hard to come by. For awhile I started to believe their was something wrong with me, that I craved too much affection. Observing those little girls, though, showed me that it’s really just part of being of woman. And being a part of anything means I was created a certain way. And being created a certain way means I was done so by a  creator and for a reason.

If you spend anytime in the book of Genesis in the Bible, you will pick up on the fact that we were created to have an affectionate fellowship with God, yet sin hindered the perfection of that situation. We were made to give our worship to God and to be given affection by God. By no means am I saying that those little girls were worshiping their parents, but the expressions on their faces, the twinkle in their eyes reminded me of such devotion. Why is it so hard to look up at our heavenly father the way we looked up at our earthly daddys when we were children—how we look to our boyfriend, spouse, or lover today?

I don’t know your reasons. I know mine have to do with wanting flesh for my flesh—I cannot see God, so I have a hard time allowing him to embrace me. There is honesty for you. However, his embrace is very achievable. I have felt it before, there are women I know that live in it, but I struggle with my flesh a great deal and I haven’t made the spirit’s arms my resting place. I still crave assurance, affection, security, love, and attention from people…especially men.

Is anyone else at this point in their journey? We could talk to each other. We could pray for each other. Send me an email @ yourfriendamber@yahoo.com

Has anyone successfully found satisfaction in the Father’s arms? Share your story.  Give us some encouragement!

via

The Rains will Come in their Season

Thursday already, Reader-Friends!? Wow.

There are just a few days before my amazing semester starts. Woop, woop for senior year of college!

My heart is already celebrating.

via

So, I want to invite you to my recent light bulb moment. Seriously, I mean seriously, ever since I became honest and open about where I needed God to work in my life, he has! You can backtrack here.

 

I have been in the Bible book of Leviticus the past two days, and God has given me so much insight to how he is working in my life! I know, right; straight from the ancient Old Testament! Anyway, the twenty sixth chapter of Leviticus touches on blessings for obedience and discipline for disobedience.

 

First, let’s chat about the blessings. God refers to the land a lot because it was the people’s resource for livelihood, I like to think that the land kind of symbolizes my life in general-home, relationships, career, etc. He told the Israelites, if you walk in your life as I have asked you to, then you will be provided for; your crops will yield fruit.  “The rains will come in their season,” he stated. To me, that was God saying that if I trust and obey him, then the things that are supposed to happen will happen exactly when they are supposed to happen: in their season. For some reason that doesn’t seem as difficult to understand today as it did two weeks ago. Oh, how he can melt a hardened heart.

 

And now for the discipline. This is where I had my “ah ha” moment. God said that he would take away the “pride of my power” and that if I did not obey him, I would “toil in vain.” This makes so much sense! My most habitual disobedience to God is in the department of control. I want to control my life, because I want to feel safe and secure. I want to know where I’m going and make sure I have enough to survive. And here is the big one: I want assurance and approval and security from the people in my life so badly that I make myself sick trying to get it. But it’s not from God, and therefore I “toil” after it “in vain.”

 

Since God is kind of a master weaver, he threw in another loom for my benefit. Yesterday, on the way home from my college town I was listening to that lovely and feisty lady Beth Moore. I picked up her library CD from Lifeway that has snippets from her various Bible Studies. I listen to two amazing tracks but wanted to force myself to stop so that I could safe the rest for other drives. I ended up saying “oh, just one more.” Of course, that one more happened to be mind-blowing and exactly what I needed to hear! She started talking about all the different reasons people seem to fail at giving us our emotional desires. The one that hit home with me was the fact that maybe getting my emotional desires fed is such a “savior complex” to me that that is why God is not allowing it to happen. How do you wean a baby from the bottle? You stopped giving it to him! “Ah ha!”

 

BM said many more enlightening things that I wish you all could hear. The CD is only two bucks at Lifeway right now. If you click that link it will take you straight to the order page. 

 

I have been overwhelmed with clarity these past few days. I have been fighting God so hard on his discipline that I couldn’t even see what he was doing for me. I was in such an unhealthy situation, and he has been healing me all along. Ladies and even gentlemen, get your provision from God. The triumph that comes when someone doesn’t give you what you wanted and you walk okay, because you know a place where you will always get it, is so sweet.

 

The rains will come in their season.

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

This is not this blog’s brightest post. I have had a few hard, dark days. I am pretty positive that I am not alone. I know that others have had these days, these feelings before; The feelings that result in the phrase: “I don’t want to talk about it.” And truly, I’m not feeling up to talking about why I have had a few hard days, but I know that I cannot hide under a rock. That never makes anything better, to fester in our own pity, so here I am. I’m not hiding. I want to crawl under my bed covers and sleep until I wake up from my bad dream, but I’m resisting the temptation the best I can.

Do you ever get sad and then avoid happiness at all costs? I mean, you don’t want to be around happy people, you don’t feel like watching everyone else’s life fall into place seemingly carefree and easily. Selfish, I know. But do you understand these human emotions?

I thought about not getting on blogger today, because I knew I would see someone smiling while I wasn’t. God told me to buck up and live anyway. So, here I am, going on about my business today. If you’re smiling, by all means, keep smiling. I’m usually not so negative, but I share all these droopy statements in order to request a heart lift. If you are a praying woman/man, I would really appreciate a brief mentioning to our Lord. He is guiding and directing me through these sad feelings, and I know I will be out of the frowny forest soon.

Just slowly rolling over this speed bump in life.

As a literature major, I have the luxury of turning to well-known lines that have guided others through such times in life.

via

Below is a favorite poem of mine by Paul Laurence Dunbar called “Sympathy”:

I know what the caged bird feels, alas!
When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;
When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,
And the river flows like a stream of glass;
When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,
And the faint perfume from its chalice steals--
I know what the caged bird feels!

I know why the caged bird beats his wing
Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;
For he must fly back to his perch and cling
When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;
And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars
And they pulse again with a keener sting--
I know why he beats his wing!

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,--
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings--
I know why the caged bird sings!

 

via

I don’t mean to be depressing and I hope this post hasn’t dampened anyone’s spirit too much, but I needed a little therapy. The Lord is a good doctor, and I shall feel better soon. Expect more positive posts in the near future.

Thanks to my faithful readers.

A Walk Between the Raindrops

Two posts in the same day, Reader-Friends!

Isn’t the title poetic? It’s the title to a beautiful piano composition that was playing on my Pandora station while I was reading some scripture this morning. I think it could mean so many things, but just the idea of “a walk between the raindrops” does something to my emotions. Anyway, I didn’t just use the title for this post because I think it’s pretty, I connect it to my time with the Lord and that’s what I wanted to share with you.

 

via

Have you ever received a fresh truth from an old scripture? What I mean by “old” is one that you have seemingly read a thousand times, that is quoted by a thousand preachers, a well known and consequently looked over verse or passage. Well, I have been reading the gospel of John lately. I was in the Old Testament, but the Spirit has recently directed me elsewhere, I think as a result of my spiritual infirmity. He is bringing me back to the basics, to Jesus. Anyway, today I ran into the “vine and branches” passage:

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

I am the vine; and you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers…

John  15: 1-6

Honestly, my time with the Lord has been lacking this summer. And I have “withered”. I have been depressed, I have lived in perpetual sin, and my relationship with God has suffered.The above passage is well-known to my mind, but oddly it still has not penetrated my heart. This truth has not become important enough to me for me to become disciplined to the point that I am truly “remaining” in Jesus daily. Honesty.

via

 

I’m so thankful that my Lord pursues my heart even when I run away from him. I made a prayerful list of areas that I would like God to invade. I wrote out some requests that I would like him fulfill.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

John 15:16

So here’s a little bit of my list. Feel free to keep me accountable, Reader-Friends:

1. Discipline. (in every aspect of life, not just spiritual)

2. Time management. (I go to bed with too many things not crossed off of my to do list, probably because I lack focus these days)

3. A significantly better prayer life. (I’ve journaled, I’ve sat in quiet…not sure what is right for me yet. “Lord, teach me how to pray.”)

4. A strong-willed obedience. (I’m a wishy-washy child. I seem to always find the exception.)

5. Un-diverted attention during “our” time. (Social media needs to be out of sight, out of mind. No cell phone. No homework. I need a place, a time, a frame of mind.)

6. Humble spirituality. (I tend to be skeptical when it comes to religious teachers. I could learn to be safe and open minded. God can use anyone.)

 

Thanks for letting me share, Reader-Friends! Does anyone have some of the same problem areas? I would love to keep each other accountable, I would love to encourage each other as God prunes us. If you would rather email me instead of commenting below, do so at yourfriendamber@yahoo.com.

 

Honesty: Round Two

Hey Reader-Friends,

I decided to be pretty up front with my previous post. Up for some more

…?

I suck at getting along with my man. I suck at having patience with my family members. Sometimes I avoid my friends.

I know I just made myself sound like a tall glass of sunshine. #notreally

There is nothing wrong with my man; there is nothing wrong with my family; nor my friends. Without these people in my life, I would lose it! Companionship is a wonderful, precious gift from God. Here is why I finally came to the point that I could openly admit to the above confessions: I have dug up the roots of these feelings and the way to fix the issues.

You see, relationship equals security for so many people, especially woman. You know the girl that doesn’t know how to exist without a boyfriend? I’ve been her before. But for me, I took that form of insecurity to a whole different level. Not only do I want all these aforementioned relationships to exist in my life, but I want them to exist the way I want them. For example, I want Jon to romance me with all the dates and presents I have selfishly dreamed up in my head, which are usually based off of the coveted relationships all around me. Now, I know that Jon is 3,390% man, not quite the Romeo, but he loves me simply and surely. I have been with the boy for over five years and I chose to love him despite our different versions of romance, so what gives me the right to be frustrated with him when he doesn’t fulfill all my hopes and desires? The same goes for my relationships with my friends and family…

God instructed us in Isaiah 2:22, to “Stop trusting in man”!

While companionship, especially between lovers is meant for support and enjoyment, it is not source from which people are to draw all their worth, their sole happiness, or dependency.

This is one of my ultimately favorite verses:

God is not a man that he should lie,nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and fulfill?

Numbers 23: 19

Hello? That means I have someone that will never disappoint me? Well, hot-dog!

Seriously, friends, I’m working on cutting all the people in my life a break. They are not perfect on purpose. And for the record, Jon gives me his best and that’s what counts when I put my sinful selfishness aside. I’m a truly blessed lady. I have loving boyfriend, caring family, and very special friends!

Above all, I have a God that I can depend on, that will keep me safe no matter what, shower me gifts and blessing, and provide me with just what I need in my life.