"Thanks. I'm Sorry."

Hello Reader-Friends,
(The following post is dedicated to my wonderful, understanding mother, Dawn and our wonderful savior, Christ Jesus)

I have been full of thoughts for days and quite frankly I'm tired of thinking! So, I am gearing this Thursday towards thankfulness. It's going to take a few minutes to get there but here we go...

I have been in a TERRIBLE mood these past couple of days! I mean one so bad that ugly vibes were permeating out of my pores. In other words, I know I was treating loved ones horribly because of it. Ask the poor man that had to endure the havoc.

I DON'T WANT TO RANT AND RAVE ON THIS BLOG...but I do want to be honest.
I have been wanting to go back to East Asia since I came back last year. The problem is last year I felt a very strong "call" from God...and some of you may have experienced that before but this year I did not and so I was afraid that my desire to go was based on wrongful motivations.

Well, when my best friend, Jessica announced to me that she was going, I felt an intense pang of jealousy. I wanted to be happy for her but I was so overcome by bitterness I just couldn't get there.

Then, out of the blue, the love of my life also announced that he was on board for East Asia in May.
God, are you serious? First, you pick my best friend for MY trip and now, your sending my boyfriend who you know I have been waiting to serve with for years, with her!?
Yeah, it's like I'm flesh and blood or something.
I wish I could say that that is the ugliest I got during this episode. Well, hate to admit it but this is only "wishful thinking Thursday" this week.

Left and right friends were announcing their decision to go on the trip. A good friend would have smiled and celebrated with them. I A jealous, bitter, fleshly friend,  rolled my eyes and looked downcast.

So here's the thing: when I got so down in the dumps that I was sitting on my rear, believing it was going to be impossible to get out of this rut, (and we just talked about stubbornness in Sunday School) God says, "Hey child, I'm not telling you no. You didn't hear a resounding yes but you also didn't hear a resounding anything else."

Here is the conclusion I have drawn...thanks be to my understanding, supportive mama and my gentle yet still stern God:
Last year and every single year of my life prior to last year my interest in Asia didn't go beyond liking the buffet you can find in almost any strip mall. God sparked a supernatural urge and desire to go. I don't like crowds, or cities. Nothing enthused me about the culture. Of course, that changed after the trip there and now I have a burning passion for those people and that culture. It took a real pull from heaven to make up my mind last year. The thing is I don't need that this year. I already know I want to be there, I already know there is work to be done. My knee-jerk reaction to the opportunity is YES! So this is what I learned about the term a "calling"
God uses them A. when one is being stubborn and resisting or B. when one would have never even given the idea a thought. They are real and true but only used when needed/ It is scriptural to just go or give or love when ever the opportunity arises and you have a willing spirit. amen? YES!

I'm going to do some more praying over the weekend for confirmation. I appreciate yours as well!

A special Thank you to Mama:
I love you. Thank you for letting me talk things out into your ear. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for understanding me when most others do not. Thank you for loving me even when I confess my ugly human flesh out loud to you. Thank you for your prayers. My spirit improved very much moments after getting off the phone with you and I know it's because when you say you're going to pray for me, you mean it! You are a beautiful woman in Christ and your growth in the past year has directly inspired my walk. God bless, this woman.

A public apology to Jonathan, Jessica, and any others I may have been ugly to:
You did not deserve the wrath of my jealousy and bitterness. Please forgive me for allowing my flesh to control me.

Until next time
Blogging my Battles and Blessings,
Amber Marie